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Beate Sada

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(no subject) [Nov. 25th, 2005|10:00 pm]
Beate Sada

i guess it's pretty uncomfortable being around somebody who is so uncomfortable with attention or love. i've never lacked it, but i just am that way. but this discomfort translates directly into need, i am so needy right now, i could pounce on the slightest thing and have no regret, if not for the rest of the world. i am sure i have the capacity to care for and love somebody. i need to believe that, to be strong and smart. otherwise, i can go blazing ahead with a cold heart and disregard everything that made me. and even if that is a hot mess, i'd still rather have that as a base than some new terrain. unless i could quit feeling cast out and shamed into unforgivable silence. child, you know how much i need it.
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(no subject) [Nov. 25th, 2005|09:43 pm]
Beate Sada
wave goodbye to friends of before, usher in new ones in the hope of leaving behind this dotted history.

so if i gave you a few laughs at my expense mostly, then i am sorry to say that i have come to and realized how impractical and floaty i have been this long while. little more to that, or at least i'll have the mind to keep it in private. the silent moment between thought and speech, like the moment between what goes on within your surrounding and how you look from the outside. it is so difficult to capture, especially when you are so caught up and webbed in the former.

but i'm waving goodbye. have fun being comfortable. take advantage of every person you meet. make that life of yours a go-go adventure with spectacles always in abundance, because god forbid you should ever become one. i understand that fear is your driving force, but right now i do not want to be driven by that. and if it is something else that motivates you, then it will show, all the good in you.

i want more patience. that i should be willing and able to accept half-truths or hard lies. to glide over these faults and rapture over what i can. because the rule is that to be with someone is better than this solitude that is cornering me into eccentricities i would never have imagined before. so at the end, i reluctantly agree with that truth.
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(no subject) [Nov. 24th, 2005|08:45 pm]
Beate Sada
my father's birthday falls on november 24, 1954. my mother, october 7, 1957.
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(no subject) [Apr. 22nd, 2005|01:42 am]
Beate Sada
bc me and charles manson like the same ice cream.

i want to get past this month and be gone. please let me without doing too much of anything. this is another bottom, who thought so?
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(no subject) [Apr. 8th, 2005|04:00 am]
Beate Sada
the delectable secret is to get caught up in yourself.

whisking in secret details only known to you. however small they may seem, chances are no one else knows. only i won't become a beast.
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(no subject) [Apr. 3rd, 2005|03:06 am]
Beate Sada
sorry,i was a little off then:)

met up on 03/37 with p+s (b/c i'm p's friend). was supposed to be eat with them the next night but flaked out due to previous commitment to mom/brother and my stomach-upsettingness. which was a problem for the rest of the week, in some way or another. although moma and the met were awesome, as was the time i had with my mother. she is insecure, so was i, we clashed at a time when it was not befitting to neither one of us. unlikely though as it was, we pulled through.

eating there, then going to karaoke. the guy who knew japanese, singing songs--tlc, wannadies, avril, alanis. brian mcknight, etc. so much fun, i love the new phases of getting to know someone. there's always that feeling that you're on the same level as them, that you're thinking or feeling on the similar level as them (b/c same is too much to ask), and that it will last. the part about it 'lasting' is a bit too much to ask for, i realize now, but i'm glad i was able to brush it off. met up with p+s again, at this nifty place at st. marks. with its own smoking veranda/area, cordoned off with painted murals and a broken tv. taking pictures and trading stories. only i was so reluctant to trade mine--perhaps i haven't shaken them off my shoulders, as i act like. either i need lessons in acting better or to get rid of this -problem altogether. sitting there in that small restaurant. laughing nervously, but still so (--ooooooo happily). P* telling me of his time with s* (they were on some sort of a break (i've never had one, i wouldn't know)), and congregating in front of the sketchy hotel. trading prices (total=$110, but the asking price: $40, $50, %55??), then the conclusion because s* was still sorry to p*. P* covering his ears while s* told his story about falling in love with p* to me. so sweet, they seem so good together--would i have thought that had i not self-consciously distanced myself from those two before? C* BEING THE CUNT!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH. short laughter i might as well milk it out while i can. p* the nigger, s* the fag, me the bitch (or yo* bitch had i been more sober), and him as the CUNT.

fun times, the hugs with s* and p* in front of union square then the parting.
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(no subject) [Mar. 23rd, 2005|11:51 pm]
Beate Sada
[music |gabriel yared - lover]

so they will depart soon to meet with the anomaly in my life.

while the facile argue for disagreements and pronouncements upon first impressions, what will transpire beyond that? i suppose it's beneficial that it will happen beyond just plainly that.

let her see me as dead. perhaps before i can renounce her as a part to me. her willful decision will lead to greater continuity.

i am letting go of almost everything. my youth, my beauty, my once-pronounced ability to be discerning--they will once soon be gone, why do i riddle myself with worry of maintaining them.

to have something to busy myself with. something infinitely worth the trials and without too many ulterior motives. am i full of them too, perhaps? how do i come off? not nearly as lascivious as others do to me though, right?

i am glad to have at least something to hold onto, even as it gnaws away at my everyday life.
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(no subject) [Mar. 17th, 2005|08:49 pm]
Beate Sada
how many of you find comfort in imagining the conversations and relationships you'd have with other people, rather than actually meeting them?

i do this all the time---it's always fulfilling ,but then there are those instances where i tear up just looking at the figure of a man climbing up the steps, so uninhibited, yet aware---or is that my attraction asserting itself on him?
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(no subject) [Mar. 4th, 2005|12:35 am]
Beate Sada
[music |sigur ros - untitled 4]

extrication entails autonomy, a distance that is acquired through personal strength or the expectation of something new. what am i pinning my hopes on then? is really all that mattered what i thought of then, rather than what happened unbeknownst to me, maybe before i suspected it? how can i continue to live that way without forsaking the ability to elicit cheers in the face of obstacles. what i gave up and stuff. all that which i thought was pure love in friendship. a feeling of sure stabilityy. that on some level, i was thinking the same things as the other. that the other wanted to draw me in and i protested because i was not sure--was i not sure for the rational reason or did my wavering bring out this outcome?

sad, but we are forgotten easily and people waste no time. very little of their time is even much to ask for. why do i equate this with such a betrayal? i can provide consolations in that i was a different person then, i do not want those people around me then to be around now. but the bigger picture i had then is better than this condensed, overly complicated but petty, shallow one i have clenched in my fists. how can i jump into another deception, without getting caught or pulled out.

so apparent, but i could never imagine that i could look into his and her face and conjure such disillusionment (w/o a future) and repulsion. what lingers is what was hateful, the hatred i imbued them with. very frightening, but also tempered by what i think is the inevitability of this happening. i know there are more capable people.

can't stay silent on this for so long, i need to pile this out on someone who won't blink rapidly. better on a two-bit whore than my panting hands?
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(no subject) [Feb. 15th, 2005|09:01 pm]
Beate Sada
you have turned out to be such two-bit friends.
but i have guilt because i don't know whether or not i should feel this indignant.
at the same time, i have many things to spit out at you and get off my chest.
and then, if it was in my head and heart, if they say that something's not right, then what different is it from someone who says that aloud, and to a different person. snide refrains included.

there is a distinction and i am abandoned and my head aches. so fucking dizzy. that i'd surrounded myself with these pathetic shitbags who do nothing more than constantly measure themselves up over me, then snipe at my back. what happened to loyalty. it is very difficult to share the same spaces with them and their guilt-ridden friendships that are offered to me do nothing more than further complicate and drain me. all love and affection is gone. there is what i love(d) and what is the periphery, now i understand the meaning of that periphery. and why it's there, because they will not be there in four or five years, when the consequences of their actions on me will still linger.
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